My Butterfly Series
by Chikki
Summary: *Chap 7's up!* (B/A) Set 3 years after Grad Day. Riley exists (sorry) he & Buffy are still going out (SO sorry). Angel and Buffy haven't seen one another at all since Grad Day (sigh IWRY sigh). Angel & the LA Scoobies are still investigators in La La Land
1. Spread Your Wings

…My Butterfly…

(Prologue)

Disclaimer: I can only lay claim to the creation of this fic. The characters belong to Joss and Co. Everything else belongs to me. The song that will eventually be in this fic is property of M.C.

Rating: PG-13 (I guess)

Distribution: My site (whenever it is up and running), all the yahoogroups I am on, and anyone who already has my fics. If you want this fic, or any other fics of mine, then just ask … I really am a nice person – so I will say yes and probably smile at you!

Spoilers: This fic takes place some time after Seasons 4/1. It is set in the future … but just read the fic to find out.

Summary: I don't wanna give you one. Cos I don't know where this is heading as I am doing it from the top of my head. But it WILL be B/A of course and probably a bit angsty … but almost all of my fics end up fluffy! So keep hope!

Feedback: Well us writers have to admit that feedback is one of (if not the) main reason we write and send fics out. So I would LOVE u eternally if you could take the time (just like we have taken the time to write the fic) and send me some feedback. Pleaseeeeeeeeee?

thoughts

//dreams//

*lyrics*

~*~

Logic … complete logic

But what if it doesn't work out the way I planned?

But it was the right thing to do

How can it be right if it hurts SO much?

Composure … just believe that it will work out one day

My heart aches … pains … its broken

One day my Butterfly will return … she will come back to me … I hope

I need her … want her … crave her … love her…

I need reassurance … before I decide that I was wrong and turn around this second and take her in my arms and tell her that I was mistaken … 

Lying in bed … he opens his eyes and gets up to go over to the CD player … his reassurer…

His only comfort … the only thing that convinces him that he did the right thing and that everything will work out … 

He presses play on the only song that plays from the speakers…

//When you love someone so deeply

They become your life//

Hunched over, as if in defeat he walks to the bed…

//I can't pretend these tears

Aren't overflowing steadily//

Lying back on his bed he clutches a dog-eared photo and blinks away the tears that threaten to escape … 

//But I will stand and say goodbye

For you'll never be mine

Until you know the way it feels to fly//

The words begin to wash over him and his un-needed breath begins to slow to a steadier pace…

//Spread your wings and prepare to fly

For you have become a butterfly//

His shaking body slowly enters the realms of slumber … but before he is completely gone … Angel whispers with a quivering lip…

"Fly my Butterfly … my Buffy … fly…"

~*~

TBC…

~Chikki~

B/A lover/shipper/believer for eternity and FOREVER! 


	2. Realisations

…My Butterfly…

(Chapter One)

Authors Note: I changed the time frame of this fic. I had previously said it was after seasons 4/1 and it still is – however B/A never saw each other at all that season. (sigh IWRY sigh). However it is needed for this fic. 

thoughts

//dreams//

*lyrics*

~*~

It had now been three years since he had left Sunnydale. 

Since he had left her.

Three years without seeing that gorgeous face, the face that would haunt him for the rest of his un-life. But as far as tortures go – this wasn't too bad … or was it?

Through sporadic contact with Giles, Cordelia had informed him that Buffy had a boyfriend and that she seemed happy.

He couldn't admit that it didn't cut him up hearing that. He knew that that was one of the reasons he left her – but to actually have it happen – it was a whole different reality. 

~

He sat on the counter of the Hyperion and read through one of his recent cases.

It was baffling him.

An old man was stalking a young girl. He had never approached her … only watched from a far.

Cordelia's voice broke his train of thought…

"Hands up if anyone else thinks that this guy is just a perverted old man?"

"Cor … we can't just assume that. Even though that conclusion probably isn't far from the truth." Replied Angel

"But what would a man in his late 40's want with Dakota. She's only 16 years old!" voiced Wesley

"Something perverted I tell ya!" retaliated Cordelia

"I'm gonna go and talk to Dakota again. Maybe she has thought of something she hasn't told us yet." Angel said as he jumped off the counter and walked through the double doors and into the darkness.

~

"I hate that he knows where I live, where I shop, eat and even go to school." Said a worried Dakota.

"I know. That's why the tiniest of details that seem irrelevant to you may be very important for us to find this man or at least his reasoning behind stalking you."

"Well there was something that I thought about today."

"Go on"

"I saw him writing in what seemed like a diary or a journal the other day when I was having lunch with some friends. Like he was writing down all the things I was doing." 

Angel took that into consideration.

"It just creeps me out to no end."

"Well my offer still stands for you to use one of the rooms at the Hyperion while your parents are away. If it will make you feel more comfortable."

"Thanks Angel. But I keep thinking that if he sees that it is getting to me and hiding – then he will be more determined to find me."

"Well you know that offer is long standing."

"I know. Thanks."

"Well I better go and see if I can get a lead on this guy. Call me if anything happens."

"I will. See ya Angel"

"Bye Dakota"

~

The LA gang had gone home by the time Angel had returned.

A few hours later he was sitting in his bedroom when he heard a bellow from down stairs.

"Angel! Angel! ANGEL!" screamed a frantic Dakota

"Dakota … I'm here" he said emerging from the shadows and descending the stairs to approach the distraught girl.

"What's wrong?" he asked as he snaked a protective arm around the slender girl.

"He … he … he c-came …" she was struggling to speak through the sobs that were escaping from her throat.

"Shhh … calm down … you're safe here"

After sitting her down on the couch Dakota had starting breathing a little easier – enough to tell Angel what had happened…

"He came to my house after you had left. He simply knocked on the door and I thought it might have been Mark …my boyfriend coming over because my olds were out of town."

"But it was him" confirmed Angel

"Yeah. He was standing at the door and said that he had to talk to me. That I wouldn't believe him … but that I had to at least listen. I slammed the door in his face but he wouldn't leave … He was talking to me through the door and saying all these preposterous things."

She took a sip from the lass of water Angel had gotten her.

"I got the phone and rang here but it was engaged. It was engage every time I rang."

Angel got up off the couch and went to the phone … only to have realised that it was left off the hook. Damn Cordelia

"What type of things was he saying to you?" Angel said as he repositioned himself on the couch.

"He was saying stuff about strength and power. Then he went on to talking about vampires and demons. Before I ran out the back door to come here I heard him say that he was my Watcher and that I was the Chosen One."

Angel could only sit there … perplexed. 

Dakota was a Slayer. This guy was her Watcher. She had just been called.

Why had she been called … oh God! Buffy!

"Angel … ahhh Angel?" said an enquiring Dakota bringing Angel out of his trance.

"Oh sorry. I was just lost in thought. He said you were the Chosen One and that he was your Watcher?"

"Yeah … creepy huh? So I figured I would take you up on your offer to stay here … if that is still alright with you?"

"Sure … but…"

She cut him off… "Angel can we continue this in the morning? I am beat and I kinda need to sleep now … otherwise I am gonna have bags under my eyes at school all day tomorrow!" 

"Of course … but we have to talk in the morning … ok?"

"Yep … first thing." She said as she made her way to one of the guest rooms in the hotel.

Angel was still frozen stiff with fear.

For Dakota to be called … another slayer must have died … I must phone Giles … NOW

Angel got up and almost ran to the phone.

Dialling the still familiar number he let it ring … twirling the phone cord in anticipation and frustration.

"Ummm …. Hello" said a sleepy voice on the Sunnydale end

"Giles … its Angel … sorry to call at this late hour … but I need to know…"

"Angel … what's the matter?"

"I have just had a slayer be called and the only way for that to happen is if one of the current slayers have died…" letting the words linger off his hesitant voice

Angel waited while Giles took the information in … it seemed like a million lifetimes before he responded…

"Angel we have to talk…"

~*~

TBC…

~Chikki~

B/A lover/shipper/believer for eternity and FOREVER!

So what did you think? Have I intrigued you yet?


	3. Heartache & Pain

…My Butterfly…

(Chapter Two)

~*~

"Well … Giles what is it?" Angel said impatiently

Giles had just told him that they need to talk because a new slayer had just been called, but then silence emitted from the Sunnydale end of the conversation.

"Angel … Buffy is alright … well I mean is she alive."

Angel sighed an un-needed breath…

"But why would another slayer be called … unless Faith has died while she is in jail" Angel suggested with trepidation

"Well … unless I am mistaken Faith is still alive and kicking behind LA bars"

"But..." Angel went to interrupt

"Angel … a lot has changed since you were last in Sunnydale"

"Ok … I accept that but that still doesn't explain…"

"Let me fill you in" Giles said with compassion and sorrow evident in his voice

Giles wiped away the sleep from his eyes and propped himself up on his bed, because he knew that he was in for a long conversation.

"You are aware that Buffy has got a boyfriend?"

"Yeah … 'Ride Me' or something I believe his name is" Angel said with distaste slightly gracing his words

"Umm … well *Riley* and Buffy have been fairly serious for a while now and they well have been … umm... intimate as well" Giles could swear he heard a small growl from the other end

"Anyway … well Buffy discovered a few months ago that she was pregnant … with Riley's baby"

Giles waited so that Angel could absorb this shattering information

"Go on" Angel said through gritted teeth

"Yes … ok … well when she was about 2 months along, she contacted the Council to tell them that she was going to retire to ensure the safety of her unborn child. That did not go down well with the Council, as Buffy has been the only Slayer in history to have gotten pregnant. They said that she had to continue to slay for some time as she was still capable and with Faith behind bars she was still the only active Slayer."

Giles took a needed breath before continuing…

"Buffy was visibly upset and angry at the Council and so she told them where to go. Anyway, she stopped slaying but she felt guilty because it meant that there were innocents dying because she was being selfish."

"She was hardly being selfish Giles … she was looking after her health and her baby's health" Angel argued

"My sentiments exactly. However she decided she would go back to slaying. But we convinced her that we; Willow, Xander, Anya, Riley, Tara and myself, would take over the slaying until the baby was born. She finally agreed to this."

Giles again sighed before continuing…

"But then one night Willow, Tara and myself were patrolling a cemetery when we were attacked by a pack of vamps. I was, of course, knocked unconscious whilst Willow and Tara fought the vamps off with magic but not before they had broken Willows arm."

"Oh God … are you both ok now?"

"Yes … I think I now hold the record for the most number of times a man can be hit unconscious but apart from that we are ok. Thank-you."

"So what has this got to do with another Slayer being called?" Angel asked getting back on track

"Well … Buffy refused to let us patrol for her anymore and she defiantly returned to slaying. She was a little over three months pregnant and a couple of weeks ago she was patrolling one part of the cemetery as she had sent Riley off to case the other part of it … a pair of vamps attacked Buffy and she was able to hold them off and even stake one … but the other proved a little harder and then … then … she was kicked right in the stomach … a full blow with vamp force behind it. She collapsed from the pain and nearly got jumped until Riley came up and ended up staking the vamp… But the damage had been done…"

Giles regained his composure…

"She had haemorrhaged. She had lost her baby. She was admitted to hospital for precaution but they discharged her the following afternoon. I rang the Council and abused them with very American-like abuse and then hung up. But Buffy has gotten worse over the past 2 weeks. She is depressed and not looking like she will ever patrol again. The Council must have activated the new Slayer because they realise that Buffy won't ever help them again."

Angel sat there in shock. He had just learnt that Buffy had been pregnant to another man … and that she had lost her baby because the Council were too stubborn and cruel to let her retire.

"Angel … Angel?" Giles spoke into the phone … breaking Angel's train of thought

"How is she Giles?" he said with so much concern and love in his voice

"Buffy is coping as well as can be expected. She is fairly depressed … rejecting everyone. She will let Joyce and myself enter her room but she won't let Willow or anyone else in. She won't even let anyone say Riley's name let alone have him anywhere near the house."

"She is upset Giles, she needs time"

"I know it has only been two weeks but she is getting even more depressed. I fear that she will succumb to the depression and not want to face reality" he answered truthfully

"She won't do anything rash Giles … I know her too well … she will pull through this."

"That's true" he said with a hint of optimism in his voice

"What is true?" Angel said confused

"You do know her well Angel. You probably know her better than anyone. I know she has been with Riley for a while now … but she doesn't have that glint of anticipation and sincerity that she had with you. I think – no I know - that she doesn't open up to him like she did to you." he stated

"What are you saying Giles?"

"Maybe if you came here for a while … it might help her … she could have a shoulder to cry on … someone to hold her. She won't let anyone touch her … not even if her mum just wants to give her a hug."

"I don't know Giles … I haven't seen her since her Graduation Day. She may not even want me knowing about what happened let alone have me console her after all these years."

"But it's worth a try isn't it? For Buffy's sake?" he pleaded

Angel thought about it for a while. Giles was right. If Buffy didn't want him there then all she had to do was say so. What could be the harm in trying if it ended up helping her?

Even if the harm meant that she rejected him and his heart shattered into a thousands pieces…

But then again … he HAD to try … for Buffy's sake.

"I'll be there in a few hours." He stated

"Thank-you Angel. Thank-you for caring"

"I always cared Giles … always" he responded honestly

With that said he hung the phone up and proceeded to get ready to leave …

To return to Sunnydale…

To return to Buffy…

~*~

TBC…

~Chikki~

B/A lover/shipper/believer for eternity and FOREVER!

What did you think? Was it what you had expected to happen?

Do you like my idea? Well lmk either way and if you still want more?

Thanx in advance for any feedback I may receive – it is GREATLY appreciated!


	4. The Comfort of Mr. Gordo

…My Butterfly…

(Chapter Three)

thoughts

//lyrics//

*dreams*

~*~

Only 10 minutes and I will be there Angel thought to himself as he pressed the accelerator to the floor … although part of him wanted to ease off it so that he had a few more minutes to think about what the hell he was doing here.

Buffy won't want me here … I have no rite to barge into her life again and try to be her friend. We will never be friends Spike once said. As much as I hate to admit it – I think he was right 

He had hastily packed a few clothes, some 'essentials' and some food earlier that night.

Wesley wasn't too happy being woken up in the middle of the night and told that he has to come to work. But once he knew that he would have to attend to Dakota in the morning he was only too happy to oblige.

So he hopped into his convertible and now he was here. Passing the 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign.

But for some 'unknown' reason – that welcoming smiling sun didn't seem too inviting – maybe it had something to do with him knowing about what went bump in the night.

Driving through the streets of good ol' Sunnydale he headed straight for Giles' house.

Pulling up to the curb he turned the engine off and took a deep un-needed breath to calm himself down.

He was really here. After 3 years – he was actually back here.

~

Giles had tried to stay awake, presuming Angel was coming here. However the fallen back head and lop-sided glasses on his face proved that he had fallen asleep on the couch whilst waiting.

A knock at the door awoke the Watcher with a startle.

Retrieving his glasses that had fallen onto his mouth, he made his way to the door.

"Hello Angel" he said as he greeted the vampire at the door.

"Giles" replied Angel with a nod.

He opened the door further for him to enter.

"You certainly didn't waste your time in getting here"

"Well the sun will be up in an hour so I had to make sure that I was here in time."

"Oh … of course." Giles said with understanding and compassion.

"Would you like a drink or anything Angel?" he said as the vampire sat down on the couch

"No thank-you. Actually I … I was wondering if you had told Buffy that I was coming?"

"I thought about that but I decided against it because it is still the middle of the night. However I did ring Joyce and tell her … just in case you wanted to go over there tonight ... or day as it now is." He said with a glint of realisation seeing as it was already 4.30am in the morning

"Well … I wasn't planning on it but I won't be able to go until tonight if I don't go now."

"Angel … you could very well wait until tonight but in my opinion … the sooner you get there – the better."

"She's really that bad?" he asked with pain in his voice

"She is." He simply answered.

"Ok I will go – but I will have to pretty much go now as it is going to be sunrise soon"

"Well if you would like to put your belongings in the spare room … then I will come with you."

"Sure" Angel said as he made his way to the room Giles had kindly offered him.

~

They arrived at the Summers house 5 minutes later. 

Giles had rung Joyce again and told her that they were coming and to put the kettle on.

Angel emerged from the car hesitantly.

Was he really going to walk up the path and into a place that housed his soul mate?

Of course he was. 

He HAD to.

Joyce greeted them at the door and welcomed them in.

She hadn't really liked Angel – to her, he was a vampire that was stealing her innocent child's most precious years from her.

But what she had come to realise, whilst Buffy had been with Riley, is that when you find your one true love – you have to let the criticism and controversial issues roll off your back.

And she would welcome anyone who could possibly help her daughter at this point in time.

Retreating to the kitchen for some tea Giles and Joyce talked whilst Angel's mind was some place else.

"Angel … Angel?" Joyce's voice was requesting his attention.

"Ahh … sorry Mrs Summers … I was just thinking…"

"About Buffy … I know … I think about her a lot more too."

"Its understandable that you worry Joyce" Giles said as he placed a sympathetic hand on hers.

'Angel … why don't you go up and see her … I know she is sleeping but I am sure that she won't mind being woken by you" posed Joyce

Angel looked a little surprised at her invitation into her daughters' room … but he didn't look a gift horse in the mouth.

"Thank-you Mrs Summers" Angel said as he got up off the chair.

"Ohh … and Angel…" she said making him turn around

"Yes?"

"Please … call me Joyce. "

"Sure. Thank-you Joyce" he said as he left them to mull over their tea.

~

He ascended the stairs slowly.

This was finally the moment. He was going to see Buffy again after 3 long years.

Turning the knob slowly he opened the door with as much stealthiness as he had in him.

The sight in front of him was like all of his dreams depicted it.

Buffy was lying in her bed … the covers up to her shoulders … he hair … well she had 'bed hair'.

But there was one thing different than in his dreams…

For in his dreams she was wearing a smile as she slept instead of the frown that graced her beautiful face in front of him.

He wanted to go and scoop her up in his arms and take that frown away … but he decided that she should stay asleep … he was sure that she hadn't had much sleep lately. 

In the corner was a chair. He closed the curtains to protect himself from the rays of sun that would be glistening any minute now.

He made his way to the chair and sat down.

He quickly got up when he felt something under him. 

Mr Gordo.

He smiled at the memories that this stuffed animal held for him.

He walked ever so slowly over to her bedside and placed the pig under her arm. 

She immediately clung to it like it was her lifeline.

He went back and sat down on the chair.

Content with just watching her sleep.

Within minutes he had fallen asleep himself.

~

*

A little girl was running through the park with pigtails and bright rosy cheeks.

She played on the swings and built something that she thinks resembled a sand castle in the sand pit.

"Mama" she squealed with excitement.

But then the little girls' face became serious.

"What is it honey?"

"Why don't you love me enough?" asked the little girl with big hazel innocent eyes.

"I do love you sweetie. I will always love you"

"But you didn't keep me safe. You let me die. You never loved me!" screamed the child as she disappeared.

*

Buffy awoke suddenly.

It was another dream. She had been having all these dreams but they had all ended up with her little girl disappearing.

She was instinctively aware that there was another presence in the room.

Not just anyone. 

HIM.

Casing the room she found him asleep on the chair. 

Why is he here? When did he get here? Am I still dreaming?

She walked over to his sleeping form and picked up the blanket that was beside her bed.

She placed it over him.

He's actually here … I think

Going back to the bed Buffy lied there awake – too afraid that she will dream of having a baby and be upset all over again. Just like she had every time that she fell asleep since her miscarriage.

Getting out of bed she noticed Mr Gordo was on the floor next to her.

I am sure that he was on that chair

She picked him up and dragged her doona over to Angel.

Surveying his sleeping form she decided against waking him.

But she didn't want to be too far away from him in case he was simply a figment of her imagination.

She sank to the floor and curled up close to his chair with Mr Gordo clutched tight in her embrace.

Before too long, she too had fallen back asleep. 

Together they slept – only inches from their only soul mate. 

~

TBC…

~Chikki~

B/A lover/shipper/believer for eternity and FOREVER!

Hmmm … was it worth the wait? Not too much B/A-ness but a hint of it! Did you like? Are you still interested in this fic?

I love anyone in advance for sending me feedback!


	5. The Painful Truth

…My Butterfly…

(Chapter Four)

thoughts

//lyrics//

*dreams*

~*~

*

Long golden ringlets were framing her petite face as she sang 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star'

She was such a performer.

This time it was the next-door neighbours who came over to borrow some sugar.

But she had insisted that they sit down and be her audience as she sang her little heart out.

They already had to listen to 'The Wheels on the Bus' and they even had to participate in the 'Ring a Ring a Rosy' dance.

But when she performed – everyone watched. 

She had a presence – the 'IT' factor.

She was a gorgeous angel.

But her Mother knew that she had to let her neighbours go.

"Ahh … honey … I think that is enough for today"

"Just one more?" came a pouty reply from the 4 year old

"Maybe tomorrow sweetie."

"You never let me have any fun!" said the little girl sternly

"When have I ever stopped you from having fun?" 

"When you wouldn't let me be born!" screamed the girl as she disappeared.

*

"Buffy … ahhh Buffy…"

"Huh?" replied a sleepy Buffy

"Umm … you were having a nightmare and are holding onto my leg and with slayer strength and all … my leg is kinda aching now" 

It took a second for Buffy to register where she was.

She was on the floor of her bedroom … holding onto Angel's leg who was sitting on the chair with Mr Gordo in his lap.

She let go of his leg and moved back a bit.

"Ohh … I'm sorry. I was just having a dream … well more of a nightmare actually. Did I wake you?" she said as she got up and made her way over to her bed and sat down.

"No. I have been awake for a while. Just watching you sleep … I mean I didn't want to wake you … it seemed like you needed all the sleep you can get … but not in a bad way … I mean…" he stumbled through the sentence before she cut him off…

"I know what you meant. Thanks."

Gazing around, she raked her hands through her hair before settling her eyes back on him.

"Why are you here?"

"I wanted to see you."  

In that instant her heart smiled. 

"Why?" 

"I umm … there was this girl in LA and she was being stalked by an older man. As it turns out she was a future Slayer and she was called last night. So I rang Giles to ask why another Slayer had been called because…"

He looked away from her for a second and took a deep unneeded breath before continuing…

"I … well I was worried that something had happened to you. That you had (gulp) died."

Realisation washed over her as she imagined what it would be like if she had thought that he had died.

Her gentle soft gaze fell upon his when he finally decided to dare look her in the eyes again.

"Thank-you" she suddenly said

"Why are you thanking me?" 

"For caring."  
  


"A lot of people care about you Buffy. Your Mum, Giles, all of your friends … even Riley" he was able to voice through gritted teeth as he made his way over and sat next to her on the bed.

She turned her gaze away as he said THAT name.

"I want nothing to do with HIM" he arms wrapped around herself tightly.

Angel sat there confused.

"Buffy … what's the matter. Why won't you have anything to do with Riley?"

"Don't worry about it"

"Of course I will worry about it. You are upset about something and I already know it has to do with him. Now I want to know the reason behind it…" he turned her around which forced her to look at him

"Besides … I have a feeling that will need to go and beat him up … and I don't REALLY need a reason to do this – but it might look better to the others if I did … so please … tell me"

She sighed and a single tear escaped from her sad eyes.

"Angel. I hate him. I HATE him."

More tears began to well up until she felt a pair of strong arms wrap around her tightly. She felt safe within them … she always had.

"Did Giles explain what happened?" she asked quietly

"Yeah. I know about the baby and how you quit slaying but then Giles, Willow and Tara got hurt and then about the night where you got hurt and lost the baby."

He said it with much sincerity and compassion that she knew that she could trust him with the truth.

"That night … the night where I lost the baby … I told him to go and case the other part of the cemetery and to meet back at one of the crypts in 10 minutes. Well I came across a pair of vamps. No Biggie…"

She sighed

"They attacked together and I had being feeling a little off because of the morning sickness. Anyway. I was coping ok … I even staked one of them. But…"

A sobbed escaped her throat as she reminisced

"But then Riley came along and HE decided that I wasn't handling the situation very well … so he came up and took over. But the vamp wasn't interested in him … he wanted a Slayer. So I went to continue to fight … but then … then…"

Angel's squeezed her hand gently … letting her know that it was alright to go on…

"Riley pushed me away and it put me off balance and I … I fell into a headstone. The corner of it hit me right in my stomach." 

She didn't hold back the tears anymore … she was finally glad to be able to tell someone the truth…

"I … I knew straight away that I had lost the baby. I just knew it. Like it's little soul had left my body. Oh God Angel! I want to die. I should have been the one to die … not my baby. I didn't protect my baby."

She flung her arms around his neck and cried into his supportive shoulder. Angel simply caressed her back. 

She was overwhelmed with relief because she stopped going along with the charade that Riley had told her to tell everyone. Because he felt guilty that he had contributed to her losing the baby.

Together they sat there on her bed…

She was crying uncontrollably…

He was soothing her with caresses and whispering sweet-nothings in her ear…

But he had been right about one thing…

Riley was DEFINETLY going to get his ass kicked!

~*~

TBC…

~Chikki~

B/A lover/shipper/believer for eternity and FOREVER!

Well … what did you think? Did you like my little twist to the story? Sorry to all Riley-lovers out there … oops my mistakes … there are no Riley-lovers on this earth! hehe 

More will be coming – thanx for any feedback that I might receive.  


	6. One Step Forward...

…My Butterfly…

(Chapter Five)

thoughts

//lyrics//

*dreams*

~*~

It was still daylight outside … but they were engulfed by the darkness inside.

For what had seemed like a lifetime, Angel had held Buffy in his arms as she cried her pain away.

But he knew that she would always harbour some pain for the rest of her life over her lost child. However he was here to try and ease that pain a little.

With his support she had left her room to go and have some breakfast downstairs. Joyce was grateful that Angel was here because Buffy had already begun to make the first steps to recovery … she had actually come downstairs.

It was now lunchtime and Angel convinced Buffy that she needed to have a shower.

He was sitting in her room looking through her CD's when he heard her call…

"Angel!"

Immediately thinking that something was wrong, he bolted for the bathroom.

When he reached the door he halted. 

Knocking tentatively he heard her say 'come in' before he entered. 

The sight before him would have taken his breath away … if he had any.

Buffy had decided upon having a bath instead. 

She was in the tub with a mountain of bubbles layering the water.

But she was hugging her knees to her chest and visibly crying.

Angel made his way over to the bath and sat on the mat in front of it.

He cautiously raised his hand and wiped her damp hair from her forehead.

Buffy turned to him with red and tear stained cheeks…

"Ohh Angel!" she said as she flung her arms around his neck. 

Her wet breasts were pressed against his chest … saturating his clothes … not that he minded.

"Shhh … its ok … everything is going to be all right" he soothingly said as he stroked her bare back.

Her tears fell freely onto his shoulder for the umpteenth time that day.

She moved back, slightly out of his embrace so that she could see his face.

"I don't know how I am going to get through this. Does the pain ever stop?"

He looked her in the eyes and truthfully said…

"No. The pain will never truly go away."

He stroked her cheek tenderly…

"But it does get easier. The pain becomes manageable. Maybe not today, tomorrow or even a month from now … but one day – you suddenly find yourself smiling and realise that the pain hasn't swallowed you whole. That you can start to live your life again – instead of simply existing."

He was being so honest. His words hurt a little – but they also healed a little part of her. She knew that he would always tell her the truth and she was grateful that he was here.

"Would you like me to rub your back for you?" Angel asked taking Buffy out of her thoughts

"Thank-you" she said as she turned away from him.

He retrieved the sponge from the side of the bath and dipped it in the warm water. After scooping some bubbles onto it, he began to caress her back in tiny circles.

Both of them knew that this was not a sexual situation – simply one about feeling – about releasing tension and pain.

Angel reached for the jug that was on the side of the bath and filled it with water. He raised it over her head and poured it slowly over her hair and face.

She let the water wash over her as her salty tears cascaded down her face and mixed with the warm water.

Buffy's body began to relax. She moved in the bath so that she was lying chest down in the water.

Angel returned to rubbing her back with the sponge.

He lowered his ministrations to the small of her back.

He knew that this was her most tense area of her body so he replaced the sponge with his fingers. 

Massaging her lower back he weaned out the knots in her muscles.

She suddenly sighed in relief, giving him the silent instructions to continue.

He leant over her more for better leverage when he suddenly slipped on some water on the floor and he fell into the tub, wetting his arms and his entire chest.

Buffy had had her eyes closed until she felt his weight on top of her. 

Angel struggled to regain his footing and his hands were slipping along the tub's bottom. 

Buffy turned over under his form and looked up at him in mock anger…

"Traditionally … when one takes a bath … they remove their clothes first" she said before flicking some water into his face.

Angel … quite stunned took a second to recover before splashing water into her face.

In no time at all they had begun to have a water fight.

By the end of it, Angel was soaked to the bone from head to toe. 

Buffy was grinning widely as she got the last splash of water in Angel's face.

Angel too was smiling because Buffy was.

Suddenly her face became sombre.

"What's wrong?" Angel delicately asked

"I smiled. I am having fun."

Angel realised in an instant what she was thinking…

"Buffy it is alright to smile. It doesn't mean that the pain has gone or that you will forget. And it certainly doesn't mean that you loved this baby any less. You are allowed to smile." He said as he cupped her chin in his hand.

Without speaking he got up and scooped Buffy into his arms.

He stood her up on the floor and retrieved the towel from its rack.

Wrapping it around her body he again lifted her into his strong embrace and carried her to her bedroom.

Placing her down on her bed he moved around the room and collected all the items that she would need to get dressed.

Putting them down on the bed next to her he looked her in the eyes…

"Will you be alright to get dressed by yourself?"

"I should be"

Angel went to leave the room but Buffy stopped him…

"Please don't leave Angel … stay with me?" 

"I won't leave you Buffy" he said as he made his way over to the closet and turned his back on her.

She slowly got dressed and told him he could turn around.

She was sitting on her bed and he came and sat next to her.

"Buffy … I don't know if this is too soon but I know of one way that might ease your pain a little…"

She looked up at him with sorrowful eyes…

"Have you thought of having a funeral for your baby?" 

She looked at him perplexed…

"No. Well yes I have but I thought that people would think that I was a loony grieving for this child I never knew, let alone having a funeral for her."

"Her?"

"I just had this feeling that the baby would be a girl. All the dreams I have had were of a little girl with blonde curls and dimples." 

He nodded in realisation…

"I still think that a funeral would help you Buffy…"

"I do too"

"So what about tonight. That way I can come … unless you want to do this alone or something…" he said with hesitation

"No … tonight is fine. I want you there Angel … I don't think I would cope without you"

Their fingers entwined as they sat on her bed … waiting for the night to come upon them.

For Angel would be able to support her as she said goodbye to her child.

And Buffy would finally be able to set her baby girls' soul free to the heavens above.

~*~

TBC…

~Chikki~

B/A lover shipper/believer for eternity and FOREVER!

Hmmm … what did you think? This story has kinda got a mind of its own at the moment. The next chapter will be VERY angsty! 

Thanx in advance for any feedback I may get and sorry if I can't reply individually! 


	7. Fly Beyond Imagining

…My Butterfly…

(Chapter Six)

Rating: PG-13 but ANGSTY!

thoughts

//lyrics//

*dreams*

~*~

AUTHORS NOTE: The song belongs to Celine Dion. It is from her 'Falling Into You' album and it is one of the most gut-wrenching songs that I have ever heard.

I recommend that you download this or even buy it as it is a beautiful song and although I am not really a fan of song fics and I usually skim over the lyrics when I read them – I suggest that you read these words carefully or play the song whilst reading the fic and absorb the lyrics as they are bittersweet, so much so, that I cry EVERY time I hear this song.  

~*~

The shades of darkness finally fell upon them and they slowly left the confines of the Summers house – the first time Buffy had been outside for weeks.

Angel opted to drive to the location that Buffy had chosen for the funeral.

The highest peak in Sunnydale … the hill overlooking the ocean.

He was thankful that the convertible was an automatic because Buffy would not let go of Angel's hand – she needed the comfort and security of his touch.

They reached their destination and Angel came around and opened the car door for Buffy – she hesitated – not sure if she was able to get out of the car.

Angel noticed this and offered her his hand – his reassuring and loving hand.

She grasped hold of it – as though it was her lifeline and slowly emerged from the car. 

Surveying her surroundings she took a deep breath of the brisk sea air.

A single tear escaped as she came to realisation that she was actually saying goodbye to her unborn child.

Noticing the tear, Angel raised his thumb to her cheek and tenderly wiped it away.

Buffy turned to face him and answered his unspoken question… "I'm ready"

Walking over to the cliff-side edge she closed her eyes for what seemed like and eternity, but was only a few minutes.

Letting go of Angel's hand, she reached into her pants pocket and retrieved a piece of paper that looked as though it had been read about a million times.

"I wrote this the day I got home from hospital … I thought … I thought I would read … read it to her tonight." Buffy said as sobs began to surface.

Angel laid a protective and supportive hand on her shoulder – letting her know that he understood.

Buffy unfolded the paper and held it in her unsteady hands as she began to read it…

"I know I never knew you

But I loved you

I know I never held you

But I loved you

I know I never saw you smile

But I loved you

I know I never hugged you

But I loved you

I know I never played with you

But I loved you

I know I never comforted you

But I loved you

I know I never made you laugh

But I loved you

I know I never wiped away your tears

But I loved you

I know I never got to spoil you

But I loved you

I know I will never forget you, nor stop loving you, for you are my child.

But God needed a special Angel up there to help him watch over Mummy.

You are my Angel … my guardian Angel … and I am your mother – for all eternity. 

We will meet again one day, up in heaven – where the air is warm and everyone is smiling. Where there is no pain or suffering and where my love for you will always shine.

Love Always,

Mummy."

Surprisingly, Buffy managed to compose herself enough to get through the letter.

Angel could only comfort her as she let go of the sacred piece of paper - so that it could sail upon the wind – all the way up to heaven where her darling child was watching over her.

In an instant, Buffy let her strong will crumble as she cried uncontrollably into Angel's consoling chest.

After a while Buffy's body had stopped trembling, her tears had ceased – like she had no more tears inside of her.

Angel moved back to look into her eyes…

"I want to play something for you. I found this many years ago and I listen to it whenever … whenever I think of my sister Kathy. It comforts me … in a sad sort of way and I wanted to share it with you."

Buffy could only nod as Angel left her by the hillside as he returned to the car and inserted a worn out tape into his cassette player. 

Turning up the volume as high as he could, he went back over to Buffy who was now sitting, gazing out over the ocean.

Angel placed himself next to her and snaked a reassuring arm around her petite frame as the song began to play…

//

Fly, fly little wing  
Fly beyond imagining   
The softest cloud, the whitest dove  
Upon the wind of heaven's love  
  


Past the planets and the stars  
Leave this lonely world of ours  
Escape the sorrow and the pain  
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one  
Your endless journey has begun  
Take your gentle happiness  
Far too beautiful for this  
  


Cross over to the other shore  
There is peace forever more  
But hold this memory bittersweet  
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear  
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear  
Your heart is pure, your soul is free  
Be on your way, don't wait for me  
  


Above the universe you'll climb  
On beyond the hands of time  
The moon will rise, the sun will set  
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing  
Fly where only angels sing  
Fly away, the time is right  
Go now, find the light

//

Both Buffy and Angel let their fresh tears flow freely as the lyrics washed over them.

They were not embarrassed to cry – nor show their weaker side.

For they both know that in order to heal – they must grieve.

To move on with their lives – they must say goodbye to their painful memories.

But neither one of them will forget.

They will never forget.

~*~

TBC…

~Chikki~

B/A lover/shipper/believer for eternity and FOREVER!

So what did you think?

Were you reaching for the tissues like I was whilst writing this chapter?

I hope that you all liked it as the subject and song are very close to my heart.

I may not get another chapter written for a while … I am now back at uni and I may not have the spare time … but I will try!

If you would like me to send the next chapter to you personally … so that you don't have to keep checking the archive … then simply email me on:

chikki_dancer@excite.com

But again … it may take a while – maybe even a few weeks before I have the time to write some more.

Thanx in advance for any feedback that I might receive.

PS: To all readers from the Land of the Meat Pie (Australia) … YAY Angel came back on last Wednesday and Buffy starts this Monday – Wooo Hooo


End file.
